The Pit of Deep Despair
Sept, 2021
I was hosting a group mentoring session through Voice in Sport recently, talking about the highs and lows of my athletic career and trying to be open and honest about my struggles as well as my successes with these young girls, when one of them asked me:
What do you do when you’re in the pit of deep despair for a while and you don’t want to keep saying that to the people around you in case they get tired of hearing about it?
Let’s back up. What is the pit of deep despair?
Well, here’s how I heard about the term:
“How are you?”
“On the long and arduous journey out of the pit of deep despair,” she responded dramatically. She said it because it actually made her laugh and she needed that. And so did I.
Kate Courtney and I have had numerous in-depth conversations over the phone this summer. Sometimes I’m pacing back and forth outside of Dr. John Ball’s office waiting for my next tortuous session with his incredibly strong thumbs jammed in my back, glutes, and feet. This time I was out for a walk in The Woodlands, Texas after a long day of medical tests with a team of doctors that the US Olympic Committee set me up with to try and solve this mystery injury I’ve been dealing with all summer. Kate and I had been texting and when I said how disappointed I was that the team of doctors still couldn’t figure out why I have pain, my sister in sport picked up the phone to call me and talk it out. That’s when she told me about “the pit of deep despair.” You have to laugh about your misery sometimes because the only other option is breaking down into tears. Which I also did on the phone that day and many other days before and after this particular conversation. Sometimes, though, it helps to dramatize the situation to the point that it becomes at least a little funny.
So “the pit of deep despair” is where I have found myself a lot over the past few months. It’s not constant- some days I feel hopeful and even happy. Other days I wake up in a cloud and things seem to just go from bad to worse. If I’m not able to run, bike, or swim for exercise and then even walking the dog causes me so much pain in my foot that I have to compensate and alter my stride just to make it possible to get down the sidewalk… that’s a pretty bummer of a day and I have a hard time pulling myself out of the funk.
I had been thinking about the “pit of despair” for about a month when I hosted a small group mentor session with some high school and college-aged young women through Voice in Sport. The topic of the session was “journey” and I wanted to talk to my mentees about the peaks and valleys of sports and life in general. I pointed out that what they see on social media is the stories that the people they follow WANT to tell and that doesn’t mean those are the whole story or even the real story. I encouraged these young women to really try to avoid the trap of comparing their lives to those curated stories on social media, which leaves us all feeling dissatisfied and less-than.
I shared some of my peaks and valleys with my mentees and then invited them to do the same if they felt comfortable. I’ve had so many high highs and just as many low lows throughout my career.
Some of my highs:
Winning NCAAs my senior year of college
Qualifying for the Olympics in 2016
Wining the Wanamaker Mile at my first ever Millrose Games
Winning my first USA National Title in the indoor mile in 2019
Some of my lows:
Getting my first major injury in 2014, ending my season before NCAAs
Getting disqualified in the prelims at World Championships in 2017 when I was in the shape of my life and completely healthy
Injuring myself right before World Championships in 2019 and dropping out
Injuring myself in 2021 before the Olympic Trials and missing out on the Olympic Games 2021
This summer especially has felt like an especially low low for me. I’ve been able to share some of what I’ve been going through on social media in the hopes of helping anyone else (and honestly myself) who is struggling with physical health or mental health feel a little less alone in their pain. This process of opening up about my bad days and my struggle to find happiness while dealing with injury has been a hard one, but I feel that it is an important part of the story to share. Sharing my pain shows those who follow along with me through social media that my life is indeed imperfect, just like theirs. I might be an Olympian, NCAA Champion, National Champion, etc but that doesn’t mean everything works out or that I don’t go through heartbreak.
I want to share the good and the bad with my fans and followers, those who I have started considering part of my “team.”
I told my VIS girls that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not feel happy all the time. You don’t have to say “good” when someone asks you how you’re doing. And I told them how important it is for everyone to identify the people in our circle that we can be real and honest with so that we don’t feel like we have to constantly put on a happy face and act like everything is good when it isn’t.
So I’m having this conversation about the good and the bad, the peaks and valleys of sport and life with this group of young women and one of them asked me something along the lines of:
What do you do when you’re in the pit (of deep despair) for a while and you don’t want to keep saying that to the people around you in case they get tired of hearing about it?
She was asking about how long is too long to be in the pit and wanted to know how to deal with that and keep being real with those around you even when it’s more than just one bad day or week or even month.
I knew exactly what she meant. And I got a lump in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes when she asked it because this idea is exactly what I’ve been grappling with myself.
Here’s the problem:
I wanna keep it real, but I don’t want to be too negative.
I want to show what I’m really going through, but what if I’m having an especially long stretch of being in a shitty mood. Am I supposed to talk about that and post about that every day?
I don’t want to come across as complaining. After all, I have an extremely privileged life with so much good in it- good people, plentiful resources, intriguing opportunities…it’s not all bad! People are gonna get sick of the Debby Downer attitude if I keep this up for too long.
HOW LONG IS TOO LONG TO BE IN THE PIT OF DEEP DESPAIr?
Truth: I don’t have the answer to this. I don’t think anyone does.
But here’s what I think:
There’s no timeline for sadness, everyone goes through the process in their own time and there is no itinerary. This summer I feel like I’ve been grieving the loss of a dream I’ve been dreaming for 5 years. Figuring out how to mourn that loss and move on has taken me longer than I’d like, but it’s a pretty big loss for me so I’m trying to be patient with myself. And it’s getting better. Heck, I even cracked a joke about not going to the Olympics last week. That’s progress! And that was a good day. The next day was not a good day and my foot was hurting again. The timeline is not a straight line, it’s jagged and wavy with good and bad days along the way.
You have to be in the pit for a while and let yourself be there before starting the long and arduous journey out. But when you’re ready, licensed therapists are out there ready to help you unpack everything and begin to heal and move on. You don’t have to do it by yourself and in fact I believe that you really can’t do it all on your own. There of course is so much internal work that needs to be done and no one can actually do that work for you, but we all need support and guidance along the way and oftentimes no matter how wonderful our friends and family are, we need someone else in our corner who is more of an outsider and can help us in a way that our loved ones simply cannot. Therapy, folks, I’m talking about going to therapy. It’s 2021, everyone is doing it, we are done with the stigmas and the judgement about treating our mental health with as much respect as our physical health.
In summary, it’s okay to not be okay. Best thing you can do is be real about what you’re going through. In my experience, being real will feel best to you because it will be authentic and being real will be best for those around you because they won’t know that you need help until you tell them.
And to answer my mentee’s question: you can be in the pit as long as you need to. But when you’re ready to start your long and arduous journey out, there is a path and there are people who can help guide you. Seek out therapy and trust in your inner circle to lift you up and support you.
If you’re a girl in sport (any sport) aged 13-23 and are seeking community, mentorship, and support in your journey, check out Voice in Sport and sign up for free here.
